


i guess this is goodbye

by celaenos



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Brother-Sister Relationships, Character Study, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Non-Linear Narrative, One Shot, Post-Campaign One, Quarter Elves, critrole rsweek, de rolo quarter elves - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-21
Updated: 2018-06-21
Packaged: 2019-05-26 15:36:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15003971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celaenos/pseuds/celaenos
Summary: Vex dreams of flying.She’s not on her broom, she has wings that sprout from her shoulders and cast a shadow on the ground below. Beside her, Vax smiles, and then they both fall—together.





	i guess this is goodbye

Vex dreams of flying.

She’s not on her broom, she has wings that sprout from her shoulders and cast a shadow on the ground below. Beside her, Vax smiles, and then they both fall—together.

She wakes with a jolt, sweat pooling on her brow and beside her, Percy stirs. “Vex?” he mutters, half asleep even as he curls closer towards her to check if she’s okay.

“I’m alright darling,” she says, sliding out from underneath his grasp. “Just need some water.” It’s a lie, but she is good at convincing people of things these days, even Percy. In his half-asleep state, he doesn’t press further, merely nods and curls deeper into the covers. Vex tugs on a sweater over her head and tip-toes out of the bedroom. There are torches lighting up the castle’s halls, dim enough not to hurt her eyes, bright enough for her to slip down the hall and find the room that they’ve tucked Velora into.

She’s asleep, arms clutching her little owlbear plush, curled up into a tiny little ball. Vex breathes out slowly. She doesn’t want to take her back to Syngorn tomorrow. Then all of her siblings will be gone, and Vex will be alone.

That’s too much pressure to put on a six-year-old. Instead, Vex carefully slides in beside her sister and closes her eyes.

She still dreams of flying.

…

…

The day that Syldor first brings them to Syngorn Vex’ahlia thinks it is the most beautiful place in the world. Bryoden was a nice enough small town, charming in its way, but this was an eleven city. Vex was in awe.

That feeling dissipates rather quickly.

The father Vex was so excited to get to know turns out to be cold and seemingly uninterested in the children he had previously been so adamant about taking home with him. The other children are judgmental and cruel in the particular way that children can be. And Vex’ahlia misses her mother terribly.

Vax starts getting into fights and becomes haughty about protecting Vex from the other children. She tells him to shove it and that she can take care of herself, then hugs him and thanks him for having her back all in the same breath. They send their mother letter after letter after letter, never letting on exactly how miserable they are, until after a year of being in Syngorn, Vex begs her to come and take them back home.

They never receive a response from her again.

It’s not until years later, when they’re newly sixteen and have left Syngorn and their father behind without a second glance that they come to realize why she never responded. Bryoden is in ruins. Their childhood home is nothing more than ash. And their mother—

Vex’ahlia learns everything about dragons and their weaknesses that she can get her hands on.

…

…

Velora wakes and curls herself into Vex, her fingers trace the lines of Vex’s face until she opens her eyes, smiling at her little sister.

“Morning,” she says.

“You weren’t here when I went to sleep.”

“Very observant darling,” Vex stretches, laughing when Velora mimics her. “I couldn’t sleep in my room.”

“Because you missed Vax?”

It’s an innocent question. Velora has only just lost him too. Vex’ahlia swallows thickly and pulls her into a fiercely tight hug, the way Vax would have. She nods.

“Do I have to go home?”

“Yes darling,” Vex says, sitting up and sliding out of the bed, Velora a jump behind her. “Your parents will be missing you.”

Velora’s hand slips into Vex’s as they make their way down the hall and towards the kitchen. “But I can come back and visit though, right?”

Vex’ahlia crouches down to her level. “Anytime you want,” she promises.

Percy, Cassandra, and all that’s left of Vox Machina stand behind Vex’ahlia as her father walks towards the steps of Whitestone, Devana behind him. Velora runs into her mother’s arms, and Devana looks up at Vex’ahlia with so much sympathy and warmth that she nearly crumbles. It’s easier to look at her than her father though, but Vex’ahlia is forced to when he steps directly in front of her.

“He’s gone, then?” he asks, a tightness to his voice that Vex doesn’t recognize. She can only nod. The words won’t make their way out of her throat. Her father clenches his teeth, and Vex is bowled over when she realizes that Vax used to do the same thing whenever he was trying not to cry.

She hasn’t cried in front of her father for many, many years, but she can’t seem to stop it from happening. His arms slip around Vex’ahlia and she clutches to him, shaking until she can’t seem to breathe anymore.

“I’m sorry,” she hears him say. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” It almost becomes a melody. A horrifying, calming melody. She doesn’t remember them leaving, or falling asleep in Percy’s arms, but that is where she wakes the next morning.

She still dreams of flying.

…

…

Keyleth tries to do her hair.

The two of them sit in the gardens of Whitestone with Trinket lounging beside them, they’re mostly silent for a good hour, Keyleth tending to the plants and Vex’ahlia watching, the book that she had been pretending to read long since abandoned. After a while, Keyleth begins talking about working with her father, about the changes she has been making in Zephrah, about how Alura looked when she saw her and Kima last, anything that pops into her head that she thinks Vex might not know about, in the months since they’ve seen each other.

Keyleth finally plops down beside Vex, a frown on her face. “My jade is dying. Someone watered it too much.”

“You’ll bring it back,” Vex tells her, full confidence.

Keyleth looks at her sideways. “You’ve got some twigs in your braid.”

“Fix it,” Vex says, without really thinking about it much. She twists around so that her head is resting in Keyleth’s lap. When she feels Keyleth’s fingers hesitate Vex remembers who used to be the one to fix their hair. She is about to apologize. To sit up, tell Trinket to give Keyleth a hug and then run away from her grief, because even a few months later, it only serves to make her own that much worse, but then Keyleth moves and starts undoing Vex’s braid. She works slowly, as if she is afraid to startle Vex somehow. Her fingers aren’t as sure as Vax’s use to be, she’s not as practiced, but she manages to comb Vex’s hair out carefully, without yanking it. When she moves to start re-braiding it, Vex stops her. “Leave it down,” she says. “Please.”

“Okay,” Keyleth says, her fingers continuing to run gently through Vex’s hair. “Okay.”

…

…

The first time that Vax’ildan nearly dies, they’re seventeen.

They’ve been on their own for nearly three years and a routine has developed between them. Vax is stealing them some food from the city while Vex’ahlia scouts them a place to make camp for the night when she hears him scream. Panic like she has never felt before pulses through her, and she only has a second to grab her bow and take of running, Trinket, small and wobbly lumbering after her.

A man has Vax’ildan by the throat and Vex’ahlia doesn’t hesitate for a moment. She breathes, aims, and then an arrow pierces its way into his skull, knocking the two of them over from the force of it. Vex’ahlia is the one who is screaming now, her brother’s name echoing through the deep forest.

He leaps up and clutches at her, the both of them shaking with fear and adrenaline. “You saved me Stubby,” he whispers into her shoulder. “You saved me.”

“Of course, idiot,” she says back, clutching him tighter. “Of course.”

She doesn’t save him, later. Even though she is older and wiser and stronger, there’s nothing that she can do.

Death comes for everyone, eventually. Sometimes it comes twice.

…

…

She has her first panic attack in October.

It’s an alarmingly simple affair. Vex is lying on her bed, staring up at the ceiling, pondering how to go about telling the maids that it needs dusting and then she is suddenly and abruptly unable to breathe. It’s such a sudden snap of a change that Vex doesn’t understand, for a moment, what is even happening. Her body is curled in tight, making herself small as tears fall in a hot stream down her cheeks. Her mouth stretches open wide; in some part of her brain that is still very calm, Vex thinks that she might be trying to scream out. Her hand reaches towards nothing, assuming a face that matches her own will be there, but there is no breath in Vex’s lung, and no sound comes out of her at all.

It lasts for around half an hour, and then it just... stops. Vex blinks slowly back up at the dirty ceiling, pulls the covers up completely over her head, and goes to sleep without telling anyone.

Percy figures it out anyhow.

He asks if Vex wants to go camping, which is both heartwarming and hilarious all at once. He’s prepared for it—there is a tent, marshmallows, torches, an abundance of blankets, and quite a lot of expensive wine.

It’s just the two of them. Something makes Vex tell Trinket to stay back with Cassandra and the visiting Keyleth. It’s not until they’ve hiked halfway to this glorious canyon that Percy keeps chattering on and on about that Vex realizes this is almost a recreation of the night that Vax died. The two of them out alone in the woods, and Trinket off comforting Keyleth in Whitestone. It’s been months now. _Months_ of just Vex, brotherless, but it still surprises her whenever she remembers.

Percy asks her about the panic attack. Gently. Cleverly, as he does. Vex doesn’t lie to him, but she doesn’t harp on any of the details. She looks out at the canyon and watches the sun set from beside him, unable to explain that she doesn’t quite feel like a whole person anymore. As infuriating as he could be at times, Vax was always there. He always had her back. She was never alone if she didn’t want to be. That’s twenty-eight-years’ worth of habits for her to learn to change.

It’s going to take some time.

Percy understands that far better than anyone else, save perhaps Cassandra.

Percy produces marshmallows from his rucksack and then turns and shivers underneath his blankets. Vex roasts them in silence, watching her husband and looking out at the gully and mountains before them. Turning the stick, slowly, wih precise, practiced motions that her brother taught her, Vex tries not to imagine pushing Percy enough that he floats gently down the gully until he is nothing more than a tiny speck somewhere in the distance. Like Vax. That’s not what new happily married women should think. It’s impossibly morbid. Instead, Vex pops the perfectly golden marshmallow into her mouth, not bothering to brush away the bits that stick to their corner of her lips. It burns her tongue, but Vex ignores the pain, revels in it perhaps, just a bit and starts slowly popping the buttons open on her shirt. Percy turns and catches her eye, an awkward and shy grin slipping onto his face. Vex crawls her way on top of him, pressing him back down into the dirt, and then she’s not thinking about her brother anymore at all.

…

…

Velora begins showing an aptitude for magic around her ninth birthday.

Syldor comes to Whitestone, which is surprising. Percy greets him cool and polite, Elaina in his arms, which is not.

Velora quickly hugs Vex and then begs Percy to play with her two-year-old niece. She says, niece, like it’s her proudest accomplishment, and she holds the toddler’s hand with such care that Vex’s eyes water, just for a moment.

There is an academy close to Whitestone. Far better than the closest one to Syngorn, and her father looks at Vex’ahlia with something like confusion. He seems at a loss. Unsure of the way to ask the question that is bubbling on his lips.

He’s come a long way, since Vex’ahlia was a lonely ten-year-old girl. Further still, from the fourteen-year-old who ran one autumn night, hand in hand with her brother and never meant to look back. Vax made peace with him after the Chroma Conclave. He wouldn’t force her to do so as well, if he were here.

But—

Vex’ahlia is tired of being angry at him.

“Of course she can stay here Father. And you and Devana are welcome anytime,” she adds, knowing that is truly what he is asking. He has learned from his mistakes with the twins, he tries very hard to show Velora that he cares for her.

“She’s very beautiful,” Syldor says, nodding over towards the girls. “Like her namesake,” he adds, underneath his breath. “And her mother.”

Vex’ahlia sucks in a wet shaky breath and meets her father’s eye. “Thank you,” she manages. It feels like monumental progress and she wants to turn and make a face at Vax to get him to laugh, but when she looks over her shoulder, a man with white hair is staring back at her instead. Vex makes a face at her husband, a beat too late, but Percy only grins and wiggles his eyebrows back at her happily.

…

…

The first time that she laughs again, really laughs, like she’ll explode if she doesn’t, is the day that she feels Elaina kick for the first time.

She’s in the gardens with Percy and Keyleth, resting against Trinket and trying to take a nap while the pair of them argue about something nonsensical—and then she feels it. Vex jerks upright, startling Trinket. “Sorry buddy,” she says, quick. “It’s just…” she feels it again. She’s gone to see a healer, Pike helped her take a test, they’ve known for a few weeks that this is going to eventually become a reality (Vex suspects the night they roasted marshmallows by the canyon) but—

She hadn’t let herself believe that it was real until just this moment.

There is a baby in there. A whole new person who is going to look like some mixture of Vex and Percy. A whole new person who will be born into the legacy of Vox Machina and Whitestone, into this ridiculous and wonderful family that she has cobbled together. Vax will never get to meet them, but in this moment, Vex doesn’t feel anything but excitement and hope. So, she laughs.

“Percy! Keyleth!” she calls, “come feel!”

Trinket is nudging at her arm, confused but aware that she’s happy, not panicked. Percy and Keyleth sprint over, equally excited looks on their faces. Keyleth starts crying, but Vex can tell it’s because she’s overwhelmed in a good way, so she quickly wraps an arm around her and squeezes. Percy looks down at his hand on top of Vex’s stomach in awe.

“There’s really a baby in there,” he says, astonished. Vex knows how he feels.

“There is,” she smiles. “She’s quite the acrobat.”

“She?” Percy grins wryly. “This could very well be Percival Fredrickstein the Fourth.”

“Oh gods,” Keyleth swats at him. “Don’t do that.”

“It’s tradition,” Percy counters.

“Tradition is bullshit.”

“Excuse me? Miss, I-went-on-a-traditional-aramente-to-become-the-leader-of-my-people?”

“That’s different!”

“I hardly think so!”

And now they’re squabbling again, and Vex’ahlia ignores them both, holding onto her stomach and grinning as she lies back down with Trinket. “You’re going to have a niece Vax,” she whispers underneath her breath. “I’ll bet you twenty gold.”

…

…

Once, when they are about seven or so, Elaina takes the twins to see a show.

It’s an adventure story, the heroic tales of a traveling party who save the world. Both of them are on the edges of their seats by the end of the play, and when it’s over Vex and Vax reenact fight scenes on their walk home, shouting out the lines and stabbing each other with pretend swords.

“We’re going to do that one day,” Vax announces, with all the surety that a seven-year-old can possess.

“Be actors?” their mother asks, “that’s a marvelous idea.”

“No!” he exclaims, swinging in front of her. “Be heroes.”

“Oh,” Elaina smiles at him indulgently, “well, as long as you take care of each other. And be careful.”

“I swear!” Vax agrees.

“Me too!” Vex says, even though she’s not so sure about the whole idea. Actor sounds better. Far more glamorous, though she does like hiking around in the woods.

“Well then, it’s a plan,” Elaina says, “but not until you’re much older. I’d miss you.”

“At least twenty,” Vax agrees, crossing his fingers over his heart seriously. He whirls around, invisible sword at the ready, “on guard Stubby,” he grins and attacks with a smile.

Vex pins him to the ground and their mother cheers. Vax’s laughter from beneath Vex’s grapple rings out through the forest, echoing into the warm night.

…

…

Ravens follow her everywhere.

Vex isn’t sure if she is simply hyper-aware of ravens now, or if they truly are coming around more often—she’s not sure which truth would make her feel better.

She never casts _speak with animals,_ she’s too afraid of the answer she might receive. It’s far easier, to pretend.

One night, nearly seven years after the anniversary of Vax’s death, Keyleth admits the same to her in a whisper. Unable to meet Vex’s eye even as she’s clutching at her with one arm, a sleeping baby boy in the other.

“He’s beautiful Vex,” she adds, pressing a kiss to her temple.

“That’s because he takes after his mother,” Percy says, walking into the room with the twins waddling after him. Grog ducks in with Elaina on his shoulders and Freddie tucked like a football underneath his arms, he’s hollering about flying—takes after his mother as well. Vex smiles.

It’s not until later, when the children are asleep and Percy is relaxing in the kitchen with Grog, Pike, and Scanlan that Vex answers Keyleth.

“I see them too. But I’ve never cast the spell.”

“Really?”

“I like the idea that it’s him, or a part of him. I don’t want to let that go if it’s not.”

“Me too,” Keyleth admits, her arms snaking around Vex’s middle, pulling her close and resting her chin down on top of Vex’s head. Vex harrumphs in response, causing Keyleth to burst into laughter. It’s a welcome sound. Vex pushes her off and directs her towards the kitchen, aiming to follow, but when she turns and looks at the motion outside the window, she stills.

A raven is sitting up in a tree. Vex could _swear_ that it was looking directly at her. She doesn’t allow herself a moment to feel silly, she holds up her hand, waves, and then winks before turning around and catching up with her friends.

The raven calls after her, it sounds like laughter.


End file.
